Sunday night off

After a night out for my best friends leaving for Australia party and drinking a few strong cocktails on not much food followed by a lunch out today with all the in-laws, I have decided to take a day off from writing. Basically being hungover and tired have taken their toll and I can’t be bothered. Much more fun things will be written tomorrow.

Sorry to bore you all again…

But it seems to help if I write this all down. I have another doctors appointment coming up on Tuesday to see a Nephrology consultant to discuss my small and scarred kidneys that might be causing my high blood pressure. Personally I think it is stress from visiting the doctors that causes the high blood pressure but they like to be thorough which means I get sent on lots of tests. So from about September I have been in a high state of alert which has caused me to have anxiety symptoms. Worrying about my health and doctors has turned in to a phobia for me – not sure how this started but I have been like this for years. I only need one thing to trigger it off and if I’m not busy at work or something else has slightly depressed me then my worrying turns into a full blown disorder. This normally only happens every few years, which is lucky because if I felt like this all the time I’m not sure I could lead a normal life. It feels like it really started when I injured my elbow again at ice-skating so I stopped doing regular exercise and then I had a ‘funny’ turn one night and thought I had an ear infection. Booked a doctors appointment and this is where it started to go wrong in my opinion. Most people I have spoken to said that it is good that the doctors are checking everything but that doesn’t make me feel any better.

Since the start of all of this I haven’t been able to concentrate on anything especially my studies for my OU course, I feel dizzy a lot, I experience what feels like a panic attack in busy public areas (I know this is from feeling dizzy and the fear I have from fainting in a public place), can’t get motivated to do any exercise or keeping the house tidy, can’t sleep properly, always feeling tired and nervous all the time. I have found out online that these are classic symptoms of anxiety but my fear is that my anxiety will not go away until the doctors appointments have stopped. One half of my brain is saying there is nothing to worry about, I have no serious disease and that my kidneys have been like this from birth but the other side is a lot stronger in the “there is something wrong” area. Maybe it is a control thing, which is surprising as I’ve never thought of myself as a control freak.

I find the mornings really hard and it normally takes me until after lunch to feel “normal” and by the evening I feel really well. Then the circle starts again the next day. I have been blaming this on lack of sleep but maybe I need more food in the morning. One thing about excessive worrying – it does make you lose weight. Today I thought about the breathing techniques that I learnt at yoga years ago as a way to help me relax. Writing this might help me to think how silly I am and I must start exercising again. I also need something to look forward to. I don’t think I can ever change they way I feel but I do need to put it in to somesort of perspective so I don’t keep wasting my life feeling like this.

A quick Friday night celebration

So instead of doing some chores like filling up the dishwasher and generally tidying up the lounge/diner, I decided to spend a large amount of time looking for free MP3 files. I just love the internet and I’m not the only one as according to quite a few US bloggers they are “thankful” for the internet. So I found the Conor Oberst “Gentleman’s Pact” EP online which was only available at his American concerts as a limited edition cd/vinyl EP. At one point I considered buying a copy from the US version of ebay but with a $15 delivery charge I decided that a bit more searching would be a much cheaper way. And it did – yippee, this was a cause of celebration by having a Manhattan. No cocktail cherries left but I had some Cherry Liqueurs about the house so I’m eating them to make up for the lack of cherry!

I’m a Londoner

Today I went with my mum to the National Archives in Kew, so after a hour and half train journey to get there we where hoping for big things in the family tree area. After much searching on the census from 1861-1901 for my Grandad’s side of the family I now know that I come from a long line of East End Londoners and cabinet makers. The disappointment about the National Archives was that the Births, Deaths and Marriage records are not held there and the only way to search for them is online and at £7 a go for a certificate this is going to be expensive. Also, we got told off for having a pen with us – pencils (without rubbers) are only allow in the reading room. My conclusions from this particular trip to the National Archives are:

1. take a pencil with you

2. don’t go and just used a pen at home with searching for everything online

3. it will cost a lot a money after a few years of researching your family tree

4. it will take you years to complete your family tree – most people in the National Archives all looked like they have been there for over twenty years

My mum is going to continue with the family tree so hopefully something interesting will turn up like some vodka drinking Russians or even a member of the family who has lived outside of the M25!

Old friends

This is going to be quick but it’s just to say that you can’t beat going out with old friends. I’ve just had lunch with my four closest friends and I have a lovely time albeit I did manage to cry. Mainly about the stress of doctors appointments and other issues that I seem to have created for myself. But it’s not until now that I realise how they are such good friends and I am really lucky to have them. All of them said I should talk to them more often so I wouldn’t feel so weepy or worried about everything. That is so nice of them. And this is something I should really do instead of bottling everything up and I know I can trust them with anything. Still feeling weepy but most of that is from lack of sleep, which might not bode well for drinks tonight with old work friends – hopefully I won’t be all teary over them as well!

Not hedging your bets

Today I realised that I can’t keep betting on one thing. By ‘thing’ I mean a company or person. I need to start hedging my bets and start creating opportunities for myself. My “holiday” to San Francisco in January has been postponed, hah it wasn’t really a holiday but a work trip. But I was going to take a few days before as holiday and then I would have catch up with my American colleagues for lots of drinking and “real life” chatting. Also, my birthday is that week so some celebrating would have been in order. My husband booked a weeks skiing that week as I was away. Now the trip has been postponed to March, which isn’t really that far away but now I have to celebrate my birthday either on my own or with my parents at home! Even away somewhere else on my own would be more exciting.

I’m more pissed off by the suddenness of finding out it has been postponed. Seven weeks before. Emails were still being sent out by the events team about the trip. It just feels like a real let down but that’s my own thought for thinking it as a holiday. So this gets to my point on relying on one thing for so long. It’s pointless because you have no control if it goes wrong. Like always waiting for that dream opportunity at work – no one is going to put you forward, you have to ask and I’m shit at that. So I need to think of something to do for a few days in January – create my own opportunity. My options are: Chesham (thanks Kate), Northern Ireland to visit friends; Sydney to visit my best friend (might be a bit expensive that); still go to San Francisco (seems a bit far for a long weekend) or somewhere on the east coast of US of A. Or I might just stay at home and get drunk!

Hats and boots

As the weather has taken a turn for the worse and is now somewhere between 5 and 2 degrees, I should be searching in my wardrobe for a winter woolly hat. I love hats! All types except baseball caps which don’t really suit me. Straw sun hats, knitted beanies, berets. I’ve seen a couple of good new woolly hats with a bobble on top. I’ve already got a bobble hat but it’s a North Face one so it is only good for snowy weather conditions and I can’t hear much while wearing it. Surprisingly I have seen a lot of men wearing woolly hats this year – nothing new there but these hats have the long plaits on them that I would only see on ski slopes or by girls under the age of eight. Not in London – most odd but in quite a fun way.

Also, I need to look for some new boots but as usual I can’t decide if they should be just for work or for home to wear with jeans. Finding the right boot is hard also the price of boots always puts me off. The only good thing about boots is that I don’t get blisters, thanks to thick socks. I have seen that biker boots are back in fashion – cool. I had some of these when I was at college after my DMs had gone out of fashion. I remember getting them from Shellys in Carnaby Street – now that Shellys has shut down I will have to go looking on the high street for some. Don’t think I could ever wear them for work even on casual Fridays. I don’t normally like fashions that I’ve already lived through but these boots are just one piece of an outfit. Well I be damned, I guess that means more shopping and spending money!

Writing a book

Surprisingly, two different friends lately said I should write a book. One said to write a real book about different experiences and my other friend said I should print my blog. The idea of getting my blog printed in real would be exciting so I might look in to that. I will most probably will have to wait until next March so I will have a year’s worth of writing but it would be nice to have it on my bookshelf. The idea of writing a real book sounds quite frighting. For one, English at school was never a strong subject for me but I suppose writing this blog and if I do decide to write a book would prove my teachers wrong. Also, most of my writing is about real life so how to do I write a story that is fiction. Or do I write an embellished fiction story based on real life. Then it would turn in to one of those stories where people would be trying to work out who they were in the book. That could be risky…

How long does it take to write a book? I’ve read before in magazines that it can takes years to write a book. What about writer’s block? I have that with writing this blog, so how would I feel if that happened after writing half the story. My terrible grammar would be an issue and finding the time to actually write it. If I ever did write a book then there would be the embarrassment of having friends and family reading it – I am assuming that it wouldn’t be published but friends and family may want to read it. Not that I’m trying to think of excuses for not writing something but it is a big thing to take on. It was nice to know that friends think I could actually write a book, maybe I should use this as one of my dreams or things to do before I’m 40.

Thoughts

Gawd my titles of posts are getting boring! I wonder if I can find a book on how to write titles on Amazon? I’ve been busy order lots of books from Amazon for my nieces and nephews for Christmas presents. Also managed to order myself a couple of books which hopefully will get caught up in the Christmas money fund – how sneaky! Had my hair cut and coloured which meant three hours in the hairdressers during which I read War and Peace. All I can say is that there aren’t that many people who have read War and Peace in Essex. Most of the hairdressers turned their noses up at it and when I said that I’m actually enjoying it I don’t think they believed me. Oh well their loss. But I do like my new hair cut and colour. That comes from having a lot of trust in my new hairdresser who has groomed me over the past few months leading up to this. A very short bob with red/chestnut brown hair. Not much else going on and as it is the weekend, this is a short post for today.

Just not enough time…

… in the day to get everything done. The past couple of days have whizzed past and with having a two-day week next week (three days off!) I’ve suddenly realised that I’ve got tons of stuff to do at work. Also, with working late and going out last night everything that needed to be done at home still isn’t done. Like emptying the dishwasher and sorting out some laundry for washing. Post to be opened and a parcel to be picked up from my neighbours. Ironing needs to be done and last Sunday’s paper to be read. I’ve still got the last episode of Tess of the d’urbervilles to watch as well as writing this blog. I’ve got the house to myself tonight so with a Manhattan on the go I’m doing some work so on Monday and Tuesday I can get everything done without having that feeling of panic that seems to happen before having some time off.

On a lighter note – listening to my iPod on shuffle is interesting. Not shuffle on a “on the go” playlist but the whole damned thing. Surprisingly, so far it has done a good job but now and again it throws out an odd tune that I can’t even remember adding to my collection. It is also amusing having The Prodigy followed by The Doors. It does much for exciting listening but I wish the speaker docking station (can’t think of it’s proper name) had a remote control so I can fast forward the oddities.