Learning

I am learning oodles of things at the moment. From learning new roles when volunteering to learning new things about my psyche. I found when my anxiety was at its highest I stopped learning. Basically, I stopped looking beyond myself and even if I did peck outside myself nothing stayed for long in my memory. My brain was busy being stressed and anxious to remember silly or interesting facts. It has been ten weeks since I had my first session with my holistic therapist and I’m learning so much about myself and others too. Admittedly, it isn’t Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and I believe that would really help with the social/health anxiety, but I’m finding my holistic sessions invaluable. Talking about how the anxiety got this bad and talking with someone about the underlining problem has been wonderful. Sharing secrets is always better than bottling them up. I’m good at bottling up things but there are just some secrets that are hard to share with loved-ones and friends. I’ve learnt many things about myself and how my true self has taken a slight knocking over the years.

My wonderful therapist has said some nice things about me, quite a few I just can’t believe but as part of my learning I need to believe them and then I will become the person I would like to become. Also, I’ve now started to read a self-help CBT book I have on anxiety and I feel I have the confidence (and desire) to work my way through the exercises. No pain no gain, as the saying goes. A big factor of all this learning is to learn to relax. I’ve never been great at it but with aromatherapy massage and teaching myself mediation I’m hoping this will come in time. Finding the person before the anxiety is still going to take some time but it is an interesting journey all the same and learning is always good, not just remembering that George Washington is on a one-dollar bill (albeit handy for quiz nights!).

Volunteering

Mountaineering, or orienteering. No, just volunteering though I won’t mind do those other two sports one day. Is orienteering a sport? Anyhow, on Wednesday I spent three hours volunteering at the local Forest Centre, learning on helping out at the centre. The night before I was so nervous that I couldn’t sleep properly and then I felt so sick beforehand that I’m surprised I made it there at all. But I did! As I always do when I make an appointment, just like my holistic therapist always tells me every week. The volunteering was fun and amazingly, so nice to be out the house and talking to people. Real people. Not a computer in sight. That is a lie as there is a computer on the reception desk but I didn’t get near it. I was shown the ropes, asked a lot of questions by other volunteers and did some office work. In my old job these would be classed a mundane but it made a refreshing change to do these things. Things like photocopying, using a guillotine to cut up card for the Easter children’s event, sharpening colour pencils that the children use in the centre and having a go on the till.

Having three hours out the house and including the happy high I was on when I got home, I can say that Wednesday was a day when I felt like my old self, like I used to feel before anxiety struck. I’m going back on Monday afternoon (a regular slot) and I just hope that I don’t get too nervous beforehand. So, along with my holistic appointments and now volunteering I’m getting out and about more. I’m also looking at a pottery course on Thursday mornings at a local council art centre where it is a lot cheaper to do a ten-week course than two three-hour courses at a private pottery centre. If I do that too then that is three trips out the house a week and talking to other people. With work and taking the dog for a walk everyday I’m keeping busy. Next on the list is doing more exercise like cycling or faster walking. Slowly but surely everything will be good. Happy Friday!

A week goes by

Well, it’s been a week since I last wrote and quite a few things have happened, which is good as normally the week goes by and all I’ve done is work, walk the dog and housework stuff. I’ve still done those things, well honestly maybe not so much on the household duties but going out means I get anxious, which in turn means I don’t do much except for worrying. A complete waste of time but one day that will get better. At the weekend I had some nice comments, one sister-in-law said that I looked well and had my ‘sparkle’ back, while my other sister-in-law said that it looks like I’ve lost weight. Both comments where nice to get especially the sparkle one. My weight issue will happen over time as I get less anxious and start going out more (and with summer, more salads). Being out with the whole of the in-laws on Sunday was nice too and I wasn’t that anxious about it. Monday and Tuesday were normal days as far a I can remember.

Wednesday was a bit stressful as I had a holistic therapy appointment. I didn’t have an appointment last week so I was more anxious about it. Silly really, as the appointment was great and it is always good to talk about my fears with someone who understands and listens. The relaxing part of the appointment (massage, healing etc) didn’t happen but next week we are going to try that again – I have such trouble with relaxing at these things, always have. I do feel as if I’m getting somewhere with the holistic therapy though especially since I went out on Wednesday night with friends (still anxious beforehand) and today I had a meeting with the lady in charge of volunteering at a local Forest Centre. I’m now a volunteer for an afternoon a week, helping out with administration duties and reception work. I have a feeling that once I’ve been there a while they will be getting me to work on the website for the centre as I said I knew basic web design. Once I get over the nerves and anxious feelings I think it will be fun and as I said on Twitter it is very much “care in the community” as I’ll be back out in society, talking to people. In all it’s been a good but very worrying week. Makes me tired all this worrying but it feels like I’m 50% better than I was before I started my holistic therapy appointments. As Professor Brian Cox said with his band back in the 90s, things can only get better! Happy Friday.

Daydreamer

I thought about this post a few days ago but as it is now April 1st maybe I should write a ‘joke’ post for April Fools? However, I’m useless of thinking these pranks up – I wonder if it is more of a boy thing. So, I’m afraid that no jokes here except maybe I’m thinking of adding a video at the end… The Monkees – Daydream Believer, in reference to the title. I used to love watching and listening to The Monkees when I was growing up, though I guess it is very uncool to say you like them these days.  Back to being a daydreamer because that is what I am. Even my holistic therapist thinks that and is often trying to ‘ground’ me back down to earth. Not that there is anything wrong with being a daydreamer but sometimes you just need to live in the present and put the silly dreams aside. Especially when many of those dreams are very far-fetched.

Even with my head in the clouds, this week as been mainly a good week – I’ve been trying to do some mediation (12 minutes, thanks to a free podcast I have found), learning that my fears won’t harm me, realising that there will be good and bad days, taking it easy, enjoying the sunshine. When I am having a good moment then all seems well and I managed to do things outside the house like speaking to folks about volunteering at the local Thames Chase Forestry Commission centre. Then I fill out the form and take it back… which means I’m now committed to this. Now, I’m anxious about starting (once I hear back from them), will I be able to cope with first day nerves and my anxiety? But this will make me get out the house once a week and talk to other people. This can only be good but I’m still scared. And breathe. Mediation and breathing will help. Anxiety has a habit of making you forget to take air in – well, in a normal fashion. One good daydream is to be able to go out without feeling anxious and feel excited to do things. Yes, that is a good daydream and it will happen one day. Happy Friday!