Never Ending Winter

I don’t mind winter. I prefer the cold weather to the hot weather. If the news is anything to go by then we seem to be going through a mini ice age. “It is snowing in March!” the news commentators are saying. Yes, so? I’m sure it has snowed in March before. Even in April. There isn’t much we can do about it – when someone can control the weather then it will be the end of the world. The main issue I have with winter is dry skin especially my hands. No matter how much I moisturize them they still end up looking like old lady hands. Another sign of getting old. I still remember that advert from the 80s where a lady would moisturize a dried-up brown leaf and magically the leaf would be soft and supple again. I doubt that the hand cream ever worked like that.

This cold snap seems to be here for a while and I’m embracing it. Today’s walk with the dog was really pleasant – the sun even tried to break through the dense clouds adding a slight warmth. Nature is trying to break through winter with buds on trees and the birds are starting to build nests. Nature will always win with the weather, whatever happens, whereas us humans just moan about it. Or should I say the press/news readers want us to moan about it with their propaganda reports.

Blimey, I’m moaning. Sorry about that. As I’m trying to get back in to writing I’m going to try more happy, positive notes. *smiley face*

5 years

5 years ago I thought it would be fun to start a blog. I remember having my doubts – would I have enough interesting subjects to write about? How would my grammar and spelling stand-up? Would anyone read it? Would I lose friends over it? Would I get bored with it? Still, I started writing and kept writing almost daily for about three years, then the inspiration for writing stopped so the posts where now and again. Last year, I didn’t write much at all and last October was my last one. I did get bored with it. People still find it but it seems most are for the boat sinking story – that particular post has over 100 comments and they still come in at least once a month. Sometimes I think I should close the comments on that post. I’ve dealt with it and it is time to move on.

Overall, I’ve had 39,240 views and have written 768 posts (including a few from friends covering my holiday in the early days) – not bad I’m guessing for a blog mostly telling the story of my normal life and my crazy mind. I’m celebrating five years by drinking a Manhattan on a Friday night. Happy Friday everyone! I may even write something sooner than waiting five months.

Cheers!

All Change

This week started out like any other normal week – work at home, volunteer at local forest centre, cook dinner, check Twitter, sleep etc etc. Then on Tuesday I got an email that threw me out of sync. It isn’t really that bad in the grand scheme of things – no one died.

When I left my old company, mainly due to my anxiety, I was kept on as a freelancer to help out with their daily news feed. Two and half years later I finally got that email that said my services were no longer required, immediately. I knew it would happen one day and to be honest there was many a time when I thought about giving this work up but it was a good source of income.

So, on Tuesday morning I sat there with my laptop looking at this email, not really knowing what to do next. I hate change. I got ready and went to my other little job feeling at a lost. The rest of the week has been a mix of feeling anxious and very tired from being anxious. I think it was the suddenness of it and that my morning routine is now different. I should really be embracing this change as I now have more time on my hands.

Honestly, my morning routine is a bit slow. I’m slow at getting going in the mornings. Slow at getting out of bed. Love my comfy bed. I would eventually get out of bed, go downstairs and have my breakfast. Then I would work on the news feeds in my dressing gown. Once finished I would shower and get dressed. On the days I didn’t have any other work then I would check the internet and then have lunch. The morning over and done with. My afternoons are often filled with other work, walking the dog, housework and cooking dinner.

Now is the time for me to change my routine. Change the habit. This change may help with the recovery of my anxiety (which I have to say now is 80% better than it was last year). As the saying goes “A change is as good as a rest”. I’m hoping this change will mean I will get out of bed earlier in the mornings, get dressed sooner and get loads more done before lunch. Maybe dog walks in the morning before I start my other jobs or some other type of exercise, though I’m actually better in the evening when it comes to exercise. Change is good but it is also bloody scary at times and takes a bit of time to get used to.

photo opportunity

A bit of fun photography. The camera was sitting on the table during breakfast and I just pressed down the button. Viola! A blurred photo of butter & a tea cup through my sunglasses. Random, I know, but I like random photos.

Currently….

If I was a religious type I would saying something on the lines of “for I have sinned, it has been three months since I last blogged” but I’m not sure of the exact words and don’t believe in all that confession rubbish. Though there is no getting away from the fact that it has been months since I last wrote and even weeks since I last looked at the blog. I can’t think of any excuses but that life got in the way and I just couldn’t be arsed to write. So, hello to anyone who is still reading out there.

Currently, I’m working for three clients – the latest client is out of the home. In an actual office, well, a room in a house (not my house) and I’m working on my own unless my boss is around. I’m finding it hard being on my own with my crazy mind but gradually I’m getting used to it. Every time I go it seems to get easier.  The volunteering work is going well and I’m now on the committee. Had only one meeting with the committee so far and it is quite interesting. Though giving me more work to do at home… Since starting my third job the days seem to go really quickly and I’ve don’t have time for all the other things anymore. Or so it seems. Though I can still find time for anxiety! It is a very up and down affair at the moment but I know I’m gradually improving. Slowly but surely. I’ve just got to remember that I’m not going to get better overnight.

I think I will write once more before the end of the year – a kind of 2011 in review. All the highs and lows. Thanks for reading.

Work life

This week I started a new job, which sounds a bit weird to me as it is for only six hours a week. My new part-time job is at the holistic centre where I was going for help over my anxiety and I guess I will still need some ‘healing’ now and again but I’ll be able to have the appointment after work – handy. As someone said to my husband I have a new boss “who is understanding”. The good thing about the job is that I’ll be out the house for two days a week and my office looks over the most beautiful garden. It is early days but I feel it is going to be a good job, working with a lovely friend. The work isn’t anything fancy like healing people or doing aromatherapy massage but what I’m good at, admin work. So, I will be working to update the website, booking appointments, bits and pieces of typing and answering emails. As I’m only working three-hours per day then that gives me a chance to get home, walk the dog and catch up with any other work that has come in from my other clients.

So, in all work life is going well. I just need to keep up with everything including housework, food shopping and all the other things that I like to do. Sewing and baking. Getting organised is what I need but no lists. Foolishly I went back to writing lists after quite a well of not doing so but they just seem to make me panic and then I procrastinated even more on the work I had to do. From now on I won’t be writing anymore lists, just waiting down things that I need to remember. OK, I hear you saying “but that is a list”. It’s not a list in a normal sense because I won’t write down everything just the things that I know I might forget. Of course, if I forget then it isn’t that important or something will remind me. No more lists then! Happy Friday.

Normal. Life.

Oh dear. It has been over a month since I last wrote – I’ve lost the blogging habit. Or I’ve just got bored with it. Who really wants to read my trivial nonsense all the time anyway? Along with bad grammar. My blog started with lots of excitement and new opportunities with that happy fuzzy feeling that I had at the time. Then it turned in to a what is life all about, depressing type of blog. Now I’m at the stage of being in the middle, normal I guess but ‘normal’ is hard to write about. Being ecstatic about life or being sorrowful is easy to write about. Middle of the road is dull. Dull to write about not dull to live. I can do without being miserable and anxious about life or being overly happy forever (or maybe that is just me that you can be ‘happy’ forever). Normal is good. The world runs on normal. It is the extremists that bugger it up for everyone else.

Therefore, here is my normal life. My normal life on my blog. I will write about my work, walking the dog, the music I’m listening to, the food I’m cooking & baking, trying to understand HTML, trying to get back in to my size 10 jeans (and being able to breathe in them), pottery class, the housework that I don’t do but should, remembering that I can make other cocktails apart from just a Manhattan, the books I’ve read and umm, that is it, I think, So here is to normality, with a tinge of anxiety and happiness in to the mix.

Like me on Facebook. Unfollow.

As I was editing the third blog post of this week on the blog that my boss writes I thought I should really write too. Of course, mine is about complete boring personal rubbish, where as his is more interesting being a business blog. Social media is like that though, the more I think about it. Blogs, Twitter and even Facebook are a mixture of personal ‘this is what I did’ to food/art/news/craft focus to businesses. And you just can’t do all of them in one space. Twitter is becoming more and more about business, not just the companies that send out impersonal tweets but those who have things to sell (normally on Etsy), like art, quilts, jewellery or those who have a company and tweet out how good their products/services are while baking a cake at the same time. Like me on Facebook. Business with a human touch.

Then there are the foodies. These are a class of their own. Admittedly, we all like to show off our baking or what we are cooking for dinner – I do sometimes. It is a way of saying, ‘hey, look at me… cooking! With real food’. I don’t think I have ever seen anyone tweet about putting some frozen fish in the oven or opening a jar of pasta sauce for their dinner tweet. Many of the foodie bloggers/tweeters are so far up their own arse that I’m surprised that they can see where they are going. Of course, some have great recipes but I still unfollow or don’t read their blogs. Since the rise of the celebrity chef everyone thinks they can cook because it is cool and like to tell anyone that is listening. All of this ranting is because at two in the morning while awake for the fourth night in a row I was thinking about how I might calm down on Twitter. It’s not the same as it used to be, it was much more fun and interactive (though I still managed to tweet loads today). In the middle of night I was thinking how I will reply back to quite a few people I follow but I hardly get replies. Let me clear this up, replies for my replies, yes, I get those but only a very small handful of people will reply to one of my own tweets. Those who do have ‘normal’ accounts with nothing to sell. Nice, fun, normal people. I wonder if any of those I have moaned about will read this – I doubt it as they most properly don’t read ‘normal’ blogs. And as no one answered my question on Twitter about if I should tweet about when I have blogged then I take that as a no. That marriage won’t be happen.

Pre-holiday stress

Holidays start tomorrow. Tomorrow after I’ve done my mornings work, then it will start. Though of course it doesn’t really start until I have finishing packing and we are on the road. With a five (and maybe a bit) hour journey to look forward to I suppose it doesn’t really start until we reached our destination and we are having a nice cold beer in the pub. With the holidays it means I won’t be blogging for a bit but that won’t matter as my blogging is quite erratic at the moment. Of course, when I’m back there will be photos and maybe even some tales of the hiking in the Lake District. It will nice to have a change of scenery and a break from work. Funny really as I only work part-time at home and I need a break. A break from the routine. If I was working full-time and travelling everyday then I would be even more desperate for a break.

In a typical pre-holiday stress I have been running around with a list of things to do and not getting half of them done. This is why I don’t do lists – it just adds to the stress. A list is great if it is to remind me to take something on holiday but doesn’t do me any good with things to do. Things to do like clean the bathroom, make rocky roads, iron everything before the day I go. As usual I’m packing the day before and the house looks like a mess. Should it matter that the house is a mess? It has got to a stage where I don’t give a toss anymore, I will just have to do the housework when I get back. On the plus side I did manage to bake a teabread to take away with us and I’ve written a blog post. Here’s to happy holidays!

Anxiety update

I had promised to write about my anxiety weeks ago but I have to be in the right mood to write about it. Not really sure what the right mood is as today has been a very mixed day on the anxiety front. One minute I feel alright and then the next I have a wobble. Anyhow, lets starts at where I left off. I’ve been having a series of appointments with a holistic therapist (who is a lovely person and I just know that I will stay in touch with her as friend for the years to come) and found the best book to help with my anxiety. I’ve written about this book before but it has become my bible with dealing with my anxiety & panic attacks. After reading it fully, I now go to it when I feel my anxiety raising and it just confirms what I’m feeling – the feelings I feel are just sensitised nerves and adrenalin racing through my poor nerves. Other points that have helped are that it will takes time to recovery from anxiety and taking it slow is OK, there will be setbacks and it is alright to be anxious sometime. Gradually there will be less anxious days and more good days that eventually the anxiety will just go away.

That’s the background on recovery and now for what I have been doing, as I have to go out and do stuff for recovery to happen. For my sins I went to Lakeside Shopping Centre last week and managed to spend quite a bit of money, I’ve met friends for afternoon tea and my mum for lunch. I’ve been food shopping and even managed to walk there for a few bits one day – and tonight – unheard of a few months ago, take the dog for a walk and feel fine while out with her, long 3 hour walks with husband & the dog at the weekend, many hours volunteering at Thames Chase Forest Centre, a bee keeping course, family get-togethers. I still get apprehensive before I go out and lately I’ve been having anxious thoughts about driving, which is just from a bad experience last month while driving back from Southend (driving too fast and the adrenalin flowing through me set off my anxious nerves). Stress does the same, if I get stressed about work or packing for a holiday (like the past few days) then the anxiety comes back. So, next I’m going to start having aromatherapy facials to learn to relax and I must remember to take it slow and of course, breathe.