I was reading about Lily Allen’s career break this evening – at the grand old age of 24 she is taking a few years off from recording and performing to do other things. How nice that would be to have the opportunity to take a few years off ‘normal work’ to try out other jobs or hobbies. Of course having a bit of cash lying around the house helps. No mortgage must help too. Of course having a father who is wealthy as well helps. Most muggles would have to save up for at least a year to be able to take a few months off work.

What would I do if I magically could take a year or so off work. Well, for starters I would spend a few weeks doing nothing and chilling. Sorting my mind out basically. Then I would spend a good few months on a road trip across America in a RV. Of course having some extra cash to send all the goodies that I could buy back home. After that I would move to a house that had an outbuilding so I could practice my fabric designing skills, not that I would be any good but it would be fun to try. Moving to the Lake District would be good as well – ooh, a farm house with lots of outbuildings. From the new base I would then spend some time travelling around the UK visiting all those beautiful places that I’ve been too before however never spent long enough there. Of course, after all that it would be back to work although with a renewed feeling for the job (one would hope).

It is cold outside! I don’t really have anything interesting to say tonight except about the weather. I am a typical British person who likes to talk about the weather at any given opportunity. After what seems like three months of mild autumn weather it has suddenly turned cold – very cold. It’s that northern cold wind that makes it cold. I’m just not prepared for it – toes and fingers going numb. It’s time to sort my winter wardrobe out and buy some winter shoes for work, preferably waterproof ones.

I’m okay for winter coats as I got my nice navy military style coat that I purchased last year but it seems that I might need some new jeans, skirts and long-sleeved tops for work. I might have to do some more online shopping but buying clothes online always seems risky to me. I need to try clothes on before buying. I think I will stick to the few shops that are near work – from cheap H&M, medium priced French Connection and high priced Ted Baker. Hmmm, shopping near Christmas – maybe I should wait until the sales in January. No I won’t do that as I hate the sales – shopping this side of Christmas it is.

I always wondered what “living the dream” means. It seems to be some sort of PR that magazines/articles use to make people feel that they need to change their current life for something better (and buy something to make that happen). A bit like the grass is always greener on the other side. Everyone must have different ideas about “living the dream” and most people must be already living the dream, in their eyes. Funnily enough I find it is mostly talked about that you need to live in a sunny place to live the dream – like Spain. I couldn’t think of anywhere worse to live. Everyone has a different dream otherwise paradise would be a very crowded place.

I’m still trying to work out my dream but I know it will involve either mountains or lots of farmland. Not too remote that it is pitched black outside the back door as I have grown up in a town with all the bright lights. Just some open space with nature. The rest of the dream is still being decided. Hope everyone else has a good dream to live.

Another night in on my own (husband out watching rugby somewhere in West London) and I’m living the high life by cooking pumpkin soup. I don’t even have the excuse of having kids and having to stay in. There is nothing wrong with staying in but it just feels a bit sad that I am. Then again, with my current feelings about crowds I doubt I would go out but it would be nice to have someone to talk to instead of listening my own thoughts all the time.

It was lucky that I met my friend Sim at lunchtime for hot chocolate and cake and a quick browse around the local department store and their new beauty department. It was good to catch up and I felt fine while out – someone with me to stop me from worrying. No surprise then that when I went to the Waitrose for some food shopping and I couldn’t wait to get out of there as I was feeling a bit panicky. However, I did make pumpkin soup for tomorrow lunchtime – I think it needs nutmeg or cinnamon to give it a bit of extra spice. Nothing like a bit of experimenting.

It was actually a mediocre Friday as I was bored stiff at work. All my American friends were still giving thanks today so I had no one to chat with this afternoon. I’m quite used to not much chat in the mornings but all day and two days worth – that was tough. Thank the Lord (the Jedi Lord that is) for the virtual chatrooms at work. At least it will make me look forward to Monday and catching up on news of turkey and pumpkin pies.

I’m just so glad that it is Friday evening and the weekend. That means no alarms going off in the morning and hopefully a good day for my mental health. I’m hoping to get my sewing machine out tomorrow as well and do at least 30 minutes of sewing – something different to the mundane life that is work. I suppose this weekend will be a good time to start the Christmas present wrapping – hmm, we will see, maybe it is a bit soon for that. Happy Friday!

On Monday a dear friend wrote to me and said I need some help with my anxiety problems. Then last night after an episode of crying with my sister-in-law, she also said I could do with some help. She was very supported by telling me that I need to book an appointment with my doctors and see if I can get some counselling. I’m not keen on the drug route but maybe talking to someone will help. So today I was brave and actually rang the doctors and made an appointment. Not until a few weeks time but that is step one done.

I’m not sure what step two is but maybe some healthy-happy foods or some exercise if I can managed to get out of this lethargic feeling that I have had for the past few days. Now, I’m just looking forward to the weekend and spending the time to build up my confidence in actually travelling to work without panicking. Step three will be to try and stop worrying about going to the doctors.

It hasn’t stopped raining up North, in particular in my favourite part of the world, Cumbria. Floods, collapsing bridges, one death and thousands with flood damaged homes. Most of the general public (via Twitter) only know of these places that are flooded because of Cockermouth and all the snickering that goes with that name. From someone who loves that area it is really sad to see the flooding but it still wouldn’t stop me from living in that area. Not really Cockermouth but more in the Newlands Valley near Keswick. Keswick has now been flooded twice since I have come to love this place. Maybe I would need to buy a place on a bit of a hill or it could mean the house prices could fall in the area.

As with most tourist areas the house prices are more expensive than where I live now.  Most people move out to the countryside so they can buy a bigger house but without the extra expense. If I moved to the Lake District I would end up with a bigger mortgage and most probably not much more space. Ahh, but the mountains and the fresh air, it would be lovely and maybe a small boat in case of flooding.

It’s been emotional.  Actually it hasn’t but I just felt like starting with that line and I can’t even remember what film/TV show that it comes from. The emotional part is on my part on not crying when I talking to friends about how I’m feeling at the moment. Like today, when I saw my sister-in-law and she asked how I was. After a bit of moaning about my lack of interest with work, I mentioned about my panic moments while out on Friday night. I was really brave in that I didn’t cry while standing in a Chinese restaurant (even with my eyes welling up) while she said she will help me with trying to calm down and stop the panic moments. She has a good friend who works as a beauty therapist and she said that I should start having massage to help me relax and maybe even look in to hypnotherapy.

Not sure if I have the courage to really sort myself out but with friends behind me I might get somewhere as I’m getting really bored with feeling like this all the time. Or maybe I love it really! Honestly, I’m hating it as I used to love going out – I hated being at home. I always had to go out during the weekends, none of this staying in. Now all I do is stay in. Hardly go to the pub, hardly go shopping unless I really have to and don’t make plans to go out. I just about get to work but that does depend on each day (some are better than others but I guess everyone is like that). There is a plus side to staying in though – this blog for one. Baking is another and so is sewing. Though I do think I could still do these and manage to go out more often. So, bring on the massage!

Last night I went to the Brixton Academy to see White Lies with my ‘gig friend’. Her name is Simonne and we are good friends, not just ‘gig friends’ but she is the only person I know that goes to gigs a lot – way more than me. She is also the only person I can drag along to see live music that she isn’t really in to just because she loves live music. With my own issues of feeling panicky at events that I don’t know what they will be like that I spent most of Friday feeling like shit but I faced my fears and still went out to the gig. The evening started off well with dinner at a noodle bar and a few beers to calm my nerves. Brixton Academy is a good venue – with lots of room in the foyer and bars. I also thought with a sloping floor towards the stage I would get to see the bands. The warm-up act was good – Wild Beasts – they had a good beat and seemed to get the crowd woken up a bit. Warm-up acts do seem to get the raw deal, in my eyes. I thought they were good though as I’m currently listening to them on Spotify. During the warm-up there was a lot of space around us and a good atmosphere. Then the White Lies came on and the crowds just moved in. All those who stand at the bar just before the main act starts and move in, normally in front of me so I can’t see sod all. After the first song I decided to go to the toilet and get another drink. My friend Sim decided to stay in with the crowds. After that I spent the evening sitting down at the back by the bar listening to the music.

White Lies are good and just sounded like their album but there wasn’t much ‘chat’ with the fans. It also surprised me how many others don’t watch the music either and spent most of the time at the bar chatting. They only played for an hour – shorter than I thought especially after three hours of Monsters of Folk and then there was the huge rush to get out the building. I found Sim and we got caught up in the crowds which during this time I felt really panicky – hot flushes and heavy legs. After queuing up for 30 mins to get our coats we managed to get out the building and on our way home. I got home around 12.45am and so glad to make it back in one piece. The evening started off well and then went bad so I don’t know what to think about going out to see live music anymore – or just going to busy, crowded events. This is crap and as Sim told me I need to find the root cause for this – “claustrophobia or panic like this could be sign that you are actually being cramped by your life in general or you not happy with some aspect of your life and this is what you need to address else all you will do is address symptoms as they crop up – but then something else will pop up in their place.” Wise words from someone who has a degree in psychotherapy. So, I’ve spent most of today feeling melancholy and with a lack of energy to do anything wishing I could turn the clock back a few years to when all I used to worry about was the odd bump here and there.