Currently, I’m working for three clients – the latest client is out of the home. In an actual office, well, a room in a house (not my house) and I’m working on my own unless my boss is around. I’m finding it hard being on my own with my crazy mind but gradually I’m getting used to it. Every time I go it seems to get easier.  The volunteering work is going well and I’m now on the committee. Had only one meeting with the committee so far and it is quite interesting. Though giving me more work to do at home… Since starting my third job the days seem to go really quickly and I’ve don’t have time for all the other things anymore. Or so it seems. Though I can still find time for anxiety! It is a very up and down affair at the moment but I know I’m gradually improving. Slowly but surely. I’ve just got to remember that I’m not going to get better overnight.

I think I will write once more before the end of the year – a kind of 2011 in review. All the highs and lows. Thanks for reading.

So, in all work life is going well. I just need to keep up with everything including housework, food shopping and all the other things that I like to do. Sewing and baking. Getting organised is what I need but no lists. Foolishly I went back to writing lists after quite a well of not doing so but they just seem to make me panic and then I procrastinated even more on the work I had to do. From now on I won’t be writing anymore lists, just waiting down things that I need to remember. OK, I hear you saying “but that is a list”. It’s not a list in a normal sense because I won’t write down everything just the things that I know I might forget. Of course, if I forget then it isn’t that important or something will remind me. No more lists then! Happy Friday.

Therefore, here is my normal life. My normal life on my blog. I will write about my work, walking the dog, the music I’m listening to, the food I’m cooking & baking, trying to understand HTML, trying to get back in to my size 10 jeans (and being able to breathe in them), pottery class, the housework that I don’t do but should, remembering that I can make other cocktails apart from just a Manhattan, the books I’ve read and umm, that is it, I think, So here is to normality, with a tinge of anxiety and happiness in to the mix.

Then there are the foodies. These are a class of their own. Admittedly, we all like to show off our baking or what we are cooking for dinner – I do sometimes. It is a way of saying, ‘hey, look at me… cooking! With real food’. I don’t think I have ever seen anyone tweet about putting some frozen fish in the oven or opening a jar of pasta sauce for their dinner tweet. Many of the foodie bloggers/tweeters are so far up their own arse that I’m surprised that they can see where they are going. Of course, some have great recipes but I still unfollow or don’t read their blogs. Since the rise of the celebrity chef everyone thinks they can cook because it is cool and like to tell anyone that is listening. All of this ranting is because at two in the morning while awake for the fourth night in a row I was thinking about how I might calm down on Twitter. It’s not the same as it used to be, it was much more fun and interactive (though I still managed to tweet loads today). In the middle of night I was thinking how I will reply back to quite a few people I follow but I hardly get replies. Let me clear this up, replies for my replies, yes, I get those but only a very small handful of people will reply to one of my own tweets. Those who do have ‘normal’ accounts with nothing to sell. Nice, fun, normal people. I wonder if any of those I have moaned about will read this – I doubt it as they most properly don’t read ‘normal’ blogs. And as no one answered my question on Twitter about if I should tweet about when I have blogged then I take that as a no. That marriage won’t be happen.

In a typical pre-holiday stress I have been running around with a list of things to do and not getting half of them done. This is why I don’t do lists – it just adds to the stress. A list is great if it is to remind me to take something on holiday but doesn’t do me any good with things to do. Things to do like clean the bathroom, make rocky roads, iron everything before the day I go. As usual I’m packing the day before and the house looks like a mess. Should it matter that the house is a mess? It has got to a stage where I don’t give a toss anymore, I will just have to do the housework when I get back. On the plus side I did manage to bake a teabread to take away with us and I’ve written a blog post. Here’s to happy holidays!

That’s the background on recovery and now for what I have been doing, as I have to go out and do stuff for recovery to happen. For my sins I went to Lakeside Shopping Centre last week and managed to spend quite a bit of money, I’ve met friends for afternoon tea and my mum for lunch. I’ve been food shopping and even managed to walk there for a few bits one day – and tonight – unheard of a few months ago, take the dog for a walk and feel fine while out with her, long 3 hour walks with husband & the dog at the weekend, many hours volunteering at Thames Chase Forest Centre, a bee keeping course, family get-togethers. I still get apprehensive before I go out and lately I’ve been having anxious thoughts about driving, which is just from a bad experience last month while driving back from Southend (driving too fast and the adrenalin flowing through me set off my anxious nerves). Stress does the same, if I get stressed about work or packing for a holiday (like the past few days) then the anxiety comes back. So, next I’m going to start having aromatherapy facials to learn to relax and I must remember to take it slow and of course, breathe.

The anxiety made me not think about the weight, it made me not think about anything else except the anxiety. Now that I’m on the road to recovery I’m trying to do something about my weight, which is damn hard especially as I still have bad days. Though at least now I can take the dog for a walk over the park everyday without feeling anxious and I’m increasing the length I’m walking. I’ve been keeping an eye on what I eat but I’m not a fan of diets and much more prefer healthy eating. To coin the phrase that I’ve heard in the past “Eat less, move more”. On the good days I do just that but on the bad days I eat more and move less (especially on hot humid days like today). I’ve learnt that losing the weight takes time (just like recovering from anxiety) so I just need to learn to love my pear-shaped body and hope I can get back in to my size 10 or size 12 TopShop jeans one day.

Though, as much as we were disappointed by not getting the land, it was quite a relief to know that we wasn’t moving. The period of limbo while talking the agent was quite unsettling. A calm has come over the household now and we are just enjoying the summer while looking forward to a holiday. It’s not a case of making do but realising that what you have is great and there is nothing bad about where we live now. The veg is growing really well in the garden (including 40 onions to pick soon & store?!) & we have everything we need. Actually, too much stuff – I’m gradually de-cluttering but it takes a lot of time and energy (and I like pretty things). So, the short story is that I’m appreciating what I have and enjoying it one day at a time. Taking it slow until the right house in the countryside comes available and the mayhem begins that comes with moving home.  Then I will get my chickens!

I’m not sure what is holding me back. Maybe I’m not good enough to paint. Or I have too high expectations and my art should be great, if it’s not then maybe I shouldn’t even bother. I was good at art at school (I did come 1st at an art competition when I was 10 – my proudest moment at junior school) & at college (window dressing) but never ‘great’ and sadly, once I left school I didn’t really do much painting or drawing except for a bit of glass painting. Then once I moved out of the family home I never had the time to think about art. Doing your own washing and cooking while working meant there wasn’t time or I just didn’t have the energy. Now that I’m at home more I should be painting at least once a week or at least once a month. Maybe I feel guilty about doing something enjoyable instead of ironing or cleaning the bathroom. Maybe tomorrow I’ll paint some lines on paper or maybe I won’t (again). Too many maybes in this post. Hmm.

Don’t get me wrong, working from home has its advantages, like being able to have a dog and baking cakes. Though I do really miss interacting with other people. In an office. Or at the forest centre. Talking and laughing. Keep my mind busy. I think one of the main reasons I like being at the forest centre is that is surrounded by countryside. People are relaxed when they come in to the centre. I could have ‘worked’ in a charity shop but I can’t stand the smell of charity shops and I have memories of years ago working in a clothes shop, it is pretty dull work. At the forest centre, which is a charity and completely run by us volunteers, I get to work on the shop, which stocks crafts, books and educational items, doing orders and stocktaking but also, I’m helping out with creating forms, editing documents and sending out emails. I know how ‘computers work’ is often associated with my name. The next thing is some training on the new website so I can make edits or changes when needed. Now, that sound be fun and definitely will keep my mind busy.

Where I go to 'work'