Sorry to bore you all again…

But it seems to help if I write this all down. I have another doctors appointment coming up on Tuesday to see a Nephrology consultant to discuss my small and scarred kidneys that might be causing my high blood pressure. Personally I think it is stress from visiting the doctors that causes the high blood pressure but they like to be thorough which means I get sent on lots of tests. So from about September I have been in a high state of alert which has caused me to have anxiety symptoms. Worrying about my health and doctors has turned in to a phobia for me – not sure how this started but I have been like this for years. I only need one thing to trigger it off and if I’m not busy at work or something else has slightly depressed me then my worrying turns into a full blown disorder. This normally only happens every few years, which is lucky because if I felt like this all the time I’m not sure I could lead a normal life. It feels like it really started when I injured my elbow again at ice-skating so I stopped doing regular exercise and then I had a ‘funny’ turn one night and thought I had an ear infection. Booked a doctors appointment and this is where it started to go wrong in my opinion. Most people I have spoken to said that it is good that the doctors are checking everything but that doesn’t make me feel any better.

Since the start of all of this I haven’t been able to concentrate on anything especially my studies for my OU course, I feel dizzy a lot, I experience what feels like a panic attack in busy public areas (I know this is from feeling dizzy and the fear I have from fainting in a public place), can’t get motivated to do any exercise or keeping the house tidy, can’t sleep properly, always feeling tired and nervous all the time. I have found out online that these are classic symptoms of anxiety but my fear is that my anxiety will not go away until the doctors appointments have stopped. One half of my brain is saying there is nothing to worry about, I have no serious disease and that my kidneys have been like this from birth but the other side is a lot stronger in the “there is something wrong” area. Maybe it is a control thing, which is surprising as I’ve never thought of myself as a control freak.

I find the mornings really hard and it normally takes me until after lunch to feel “normal” and by the evening I feel really well. Then the circle starts again the next day. I have been blaming this on lack of sleep but maybe I need more food in the morning. One thing about excessive worrying – it does make you lose weight. Today I thought about the breathing techniques that I learnt at yoga years ago as a way to help me relax. Writing this might help me to think how silly I am and I must start exercising again. I also need something to look forward to. I don’t think I can ever change they way I feel but I do need to put it in to somesort of perspective so I don’t keep wasting my life feeling like this.

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