Standing still

There is one problem with feeling ‘normal’ after months of not feeling ‘normal’ and that is that the reality of time is much clearer. While feeling miserable (I can’t think of a better word for it) I just spent the whole time wishing the days away, waiting for weekends so I could sleep or rest, hoping for the time when I felt right. At the moment I’m having more good days than bad (a lot of the bad days I put down to sleep quality not quantity) so I’m more reflective on my life and where it has been and going. That is the problem with worry – it is waste of time and life.

Then this morning I was suddenly hit with the reality that it was Wednesday and the middle of May. I just can’t believe it is nearly June (half the year nearly gone) and I’ve not done anything new with my life. My running hasn’t improved, I’ve not got back into ice-skating, I haven’t learnt any more HTML/CSS since last year, I’m still doing the same old thing. Standing still while the world rushes pass at an alarming rate. I think half the issue is that to change anything or do new things, it is all down to me and no one else. I’m like an ostrich and would rather stick my head in the sand to avoid change, upset, new challenges. I think half the time I’m scared that I will turn into my parents – working, not working, struggling to pay the mortgage, living in the same house for 35 years and not seeing the world. Maybe I should just accept everything and just carry on as normal, push these fears to one side and be happy with what I’ve got instead of yearning for what I don’t have.

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