Scared of Life

I’m not scared of life in a way that I would turn in to an ‘Emo’ and talk about death a great deal as I do like life and with my fear of illness and death I would never think like that.  This health thing scares me a lot even when I’m feeling fine. Something in my brain makes me think that I should be worrying about something. Or if I have an odd moment like feel a bit dizzy then I go in to overdrive and that makes me feel even worst and it seems to set me up for the day. I will spend the rest of the day feeling down about everything.  Sometimes if I’m taken out the situation, say by meeting up with a friend or getting together with family then my mind is distracted and then I forget about my worries.

Obviously this means I need to find people to help me forget my worries. That’s a tad hard at work in the morning until my American colleagues are at work with only one other person in the office. My husband is good at distracting me at home but he doesn’t really understand how I feel at times (he thinks I’m a weirdo when I’m feeling really low) so maybe a pet is the way to go. Or therapy. I’m still thinking about that but it seems harder to think about now as I am feeling a lot better. Quite a few friends have said lately that they are glad that I seem happier then I did, which is nice to hear. My fear of life comes from that I’m scared to be happy and do what I would like. Scared that I will make the wrong decision or let other people down. So my battles continue but in a less sad state than before.

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