Those old thoughts

Last night and today I’ve been having those old thoughts of anxiety and low self-esteem. For the past few months I haven’t really felt like this. These thoughts are different to my usual health anxiety and agoraphobia (how many anxieties can I have?) so to have them back on top of everything else just made for a tough night and day. This might sound mad but I’m sure it started when we tried to discipline the pup so she would stop sleeping on the bed and putting her on the landing with the bedroom door closed. For one, it made the room quite stuffy and hearing her outside whimpering meant I couldn’t get to sleep. It doesn’t suit my nature to lie in bed awake because I start thinking of things which then normally cause me to cry. Crying means a blocked nose. It’s all fun. At about 1.30am I decided to let the pup in – straight on to the bed she went after a bit of fuss (from her) and then I fell asleep. Sweet dreams.

I grew up in a family home with cats so I’m used to furry animals sleeping on beds and the company seems to suit me. Weird and I’m sure it is wrong – dogs should be downstairs, I can hear people saying. Anyhow, after that fretful night I woke with a headache which hasn’t gone but seems to shift from feeling like it is going to hello, I’m back. Topped off with jaw ache and my teeth on edge. Either it is stress (lots to finish off at work but no motivation), lack of sleep or I’m coming down with some nasty bug. The low self-esteem part comes when I feel low – will I ever be able to get another job, I feel fat and ugly, I feel old, I’m rubbish at everything… and the list could go on but that doesn’t help. Tomorrow is a new day so I could feel so much better about everything and hopefully not a complete weirdo by letting the pup sleep on my bed.

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