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A Fresh Blogging Start

December 2011 was the last time I wrote on my online journal. I think I got bored with writing about myself and my ups and downs. Bored with expressing my dreams and fears to everyone out there – if they know me or not. Sometimes you just have to be private. Or just tell people how I’m doing with 140 characters on Twitter (lazy blogging, eh?).

For a while I’ve been thinking about writing again and even thought about starting a whole new blog. My lasting memories of this blog is all about my anxiety and I don’t want to write about all that again. A fresh blog seemed like a good idea. Then a friend said I should just change the theme and keep the current blog. After some thought I had to agree – this blog may still have some readers who are patiently waiting for something new and of course, in the early days I used to write much lighter, fun posts.

So, I’ve decided to change the theme, which needs a bit of tweaking and maybe I will pay so I can edit the CSS to make it more ‘me’. I’m going to write about all the good things happening – all the small victories over anxiety, the cooking, baking and crafting that I sometimes get to do, dog walks, the countryside, nature, learning and growing. I can’t promise I will write once or twice a week but I will do my best. Some days it might be just a photo. Or even just a quote. Or just a thought I had on that day. No plan or promises – just when I feel like sharing something.

Hello World… again!

 

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Currently….

If I was a religious type I would saying something on the lines of “for I have sinned, it has been three months since I last blogged” but I’m not sure of the exact words and don’t believe in all that confession rubbish. Though there is no getting away from the fact that it has been months since I last wrote and even weeks since I last looked at the blog. I can’t think of any excuses but that life got in the way and I just couldn’t be arsed to write. So, hello to anyone who is still reading out there.

Currently, I’m working for three clients – the latest client is out of the home. In an actual office, well, a room in a house (not my house) and I’m working on my own unless my boss is around. I’m finding it hard being on my own with my crazy mind but gradually I’m getting used to it. Every time I go it seems to get easier.  The volunteering work is going well and I’m now on the committee. Had only one meeting with the committee so far and it is quite interesting. Though giving me more work to do at home… Since starting my third job the days seem to go really quickly and I’ve don’t have time for all the other things anymore. Or so it seems. Though I can still find time for anxiety! It is a very up and down affair at the moment but I know I’m gradually improving. Slowly but surely. I’ve just got to remember that I’m not going to get better overnight.

I think I will write once more before the end of the year – a kind of 2011 in review. All the highs and lows. Thanks for reading.

Work life

This week I started a new job, which sounds a bit weird to me as it is for only six hours a week. My new part-time job is at the holistic centre where I was going for help over my anxiety and I guess I will still need some ‘healing’ now and again but I’ll be able to have the appointment after work – handy. As someone said to my husband I have a new boss “who is understanding”. The good thing about the job is that I’ll be out the house for two days a week and my office looks over the most beautiful garden. It is early days but I feel it is going to be a good job, working with a lovely friend. The work isn’t anything fancy like healing people or doing aromatherapy massage but what I’m good at, admin work. So, I will be working to update the website, booking appointments, bits and pieces of typing and answering emails. As I’m only working three-hours per day then that gives me a chance to get home, walk the dog and catch up with any other work that has come in from my other clients.

So, in all work life is going well. I just need to keep up with everything including housework, food shopping and all the other things that I like to do. Sewing and baking. Getting organised is what I need but no lists. Foolishly I went back to writing lists after quite a well of not doing so but they just seem to make me panic and then I procrastinated even more on the work I had to do. From now on I won’t be writing anymore lists, just waiting down things that I need to remember. OK, I hear you saying “but that is a list”. It’s not a list in a normal sense because I won’t write down everything just the things that I know I might forget. Of course, if I forget then it isn’t that important or something will remind me. No more lists then! Happy Friday.

Normal. Life.

Oh dear. It has been over a month since I last wrote – I’ve lost the blogging habit. Or I’ve just got bored with it. Who really wants to read my trivial nonsense all the time anyway? Along with bad grammar. My blog started with lots of excitement and new opportunities with that happy fuzzy feeling that I had at the time. Then it turned in to a what is life all about, depressing type of blog. Now I’m at the stage of being in the middle, normal I guess but ‘normal’ is hard to write about. Being ecstatic about life or being sorrowful is easy to write about. Middle of the road is dull. Dull to write about not dull to live. I can do without being miserable and anxious about life or being overly happy forever (or maybe that is just me that you can be ‘happy’ forever). Normal is good. The world runs on normal. It is the extremists that bugger it up for everyone else.

Therefore, here is my normal life. My normal life on my blog. I will write about my work, walking the dog, the music I’m listening to, the food I’m cooking & baking, trying to understand HTML, trying to get back in to my size 10 jeans (and being able to breathe in them), pottery class, the housework that I don’t do but should, remembering that I can make other cocktails apart from just a Manhattan, the books I’ve read and umm, that is it, I think, So here is to normality, with a tinge of anxiety and happiness in to the mix.

Like me on Facebook. Unfollow.

As I was editing the third blog post of this week on the blog that my boss writes I thought I should really write too. Of course, mine is about complete boring personal rubbish, where as his is more interesting being a business blog. Social media is like that though, the more I think about it. Blogs, Twitter and even Facebook are a mixture of personal ‘this is what I did’ to food/art/news/craft focus to businesses. And you just can’t do all of them in one space. Twitter is becoming more and more about business, not just the companies that send out impersonal tweets but those who have things to sell (normally on Etsy), like art, quilts, jewellery or those who have a company and tweet out how good their products/services are while baking a cake at the same time. Like me on Facebook. Business with a human touch.

Then there are the foodies. These are a class of their own. Admittedly, we all like to show off our baking or what we are cooking for dinner – I do sometimes. It is a way of saying, ‘hey, look at me… cooking! With real food’. I don’t think I have ever seen anyone tweet about putting some frozen fish in the oven or opening a jar of pasta sauce for their dinner tweet. Many of the foodie bloggers/tweeters are so far up their own arse that I’m surprised that they can see where they are going. Of course, some have great recipes but I still unfollow or don’t read their blogs. Since the rise of the celebrity chef everyone thinks they can cook because it is cool and like to tell anyone that is listening. All of this ranting is because at two in the morning while awake for the fourth night in a row I was thinking about how I might calm down on Twitter. It’s not the same as it used to be, it was much more fun and interactive (though I still managed to tweet loads today). In the middle of night I was thinking how I will reply back to quite a few people I follow but I hardly get replies. Let me clear this up, replies for my replies, yes, I get those but only a very small handful of people will reply to one of my own tweets. Those who do have ‘normal’ accounts with nothing to sell. Nice, fun, normal people. I wonder if any of those I have moaned about will read this – I doubt it as they most properly don’t read ‘normal’ blogs. And as no one answered my question on Twitter about if I should tweet about when I have blogged then I take that as a no. That marriage won’t be happen.

Pre-holiday stress

Holidays start tomorrow. Tomorrow after I’ve done my mornings work, then it will start. Though of course it doesn’t really start until I have finishing packing and we are on the road. With a five (and maybe a bit) hour journey to look forward to I suppose it doesn’t really start until we reached our destination and we are having a nice cold beer in the pub. With the holidays it means I won’t be blogging for a bit but that won’t matter as my blogging is quite erratic at the moment. Of course, when I’m back there will be photos and maybe even some tales of the hiking in the Lake District. It will nice to have a change of scenery and a break from work. Funny really as I only work part-time at home and I need a break. A break from the routine. If I was working full-time and travelling everyday then I would be even more desperate for a break.

In a typical pre-holiday stress I have been running around with a list of things to do and not getting half of them done. This is why I don’t do lists – it just adds to the stress. A list is great if it is to remind me to take something on holiday but doesn’t do me any good with things to do. Things to do like clean the bathroom, make rocky roads, iron everything before the day I go. As usual I’m packing the day before and the house looks like a mess. Should it matter that the house is a mess? It has got to a stage where I don’t give a toss anymore, I will just have to do the housework when I get back. On the plus side I did manage to bake a teabread to take away with us and I’ve written a blog post. Here’s to happy holidays!

Anxiety update

I had promised to write about my anxiety weeks ago but I have to be in the right mood to write about it. Not really sure what the right mood is as today has been a very mixed day on the anxiety front. One minute I feel alright and then the next I have a wobble. Anyhow, lets starts at where I left off. I’ve been having a series of appointments with a holistic therapist (who is a lovely person and I just know that I will stay in touch with her as friend for the years to come) and found the best book to help with my anxiety. I’ve written about this book before but it has become my bible with dealing with my anxiety & panic attacks. After reading it fully, I now go to it when I feel my anxiety raising and it just confirms what I’m feeling – the feelings I feel are just sensitised nerves and adrenalin racing through my poor nerves. Other points that have helped are that it will takes time to recovery from anxiety and taking it slow is OK, there will be setbacks and it is alright to be anxious sometime. Gradually there will be less anxious days and more good days that eventually the anxiety will just go away.

That’s the background on recovery and now for what I have been doing, as I have to go out and do stuff for recovery to happen. For my sins I went to Lakeside Shopping Centre last week and managed to spend quite a bit of money, I’ve met friends for afternoon tea and my mum for lunch. I’ve been food shopping and even managed to walk there for a few bits one day – and tonight – unheard of a few months ago, take the dog for a walk and feel fine while out with her, long 3 hour walks with husband & the dog at the weekend, many hours volunteering at Thames Chase Forest Centre, a bee keeping course, family get-togethers. I still get apprehensive before I go out and lately I’ve been having anxious thoughts about driving, which is just from a bad experience last month while driving back from Southend (driving too fast and the adrenalin flowing through me set off my anxious nerves). Stress does the same, if I get stressed about work or packing for a holiday (like the past few days) then the anxiety comes back. So, next I’m going to start having aromatherapy facials to learn to relax and I must remember to take it slow and of course, breathe.


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