Small Victories

I’m still on the slow recovery from anxiety with all its ups and downs but I know I’m definitely on the right side of getting better. Today I had one of those small victories. It is the small victories that will eventually make it in to one big victory and then normality (one hopes).

My small victory was to walk into town, go to the bank and then pick up my watch from the local jewellery shop. A muggle would find this is an easy quest but for us crazy types it is a big mission. But I did it – walked into town, queued in the bank and then picked up my watch with only a few moments of anxiety creeping in. Last year, I know that I wouldn’t have done any of this – even walking into town I would have avoided like the plague.

I am learning to carry on as normal alongside my feelings of anxiety. There will be ups and downs, that is all part of recovery and of course, I can now tell you the time since getting my watch back.

Never Ending Winter

I don’t mind winter. I prefer the cold weather to the hot weather. If the news is anything to go by then we seem to be going through a mini ice age. “It is snowing in March!” the news commentators are saying. Yes, so? I’m sure it has snowed in March before. Even in April. There isn’t much we can do about it – when someone can control the weather then it will be the end of the world. The main issue I have with winter is dry skin especially my hands. No matter how much I moisturize them they still end up looking like old lady hands. Another sign of getting old. I still remember that advert from the 80s where a lady would moisturize a dried-up brown leaf and magically the leaf would be soft and supple again. I doubt that the hand cream ever worked like that.

This cold snap seems to be here for a while and I’m embracing it. Today’s walk with the dog was really pleasant – the sun even tried to break through the dense clouds adding a slight warmth. Nature is trying to break through winter with buds on trees and the birds are starting to build nests. Nature will always win with the weather, whatever happens, whereas us humans just moan about it. Or should I say the press/news readers want us to moan about it with their propaganda reports.

Blimey, I’m moaning. Sorry about that. As I’m trying to get back in to writing I’m going to try more happy, positive notes. *smiley face*

5 years

5 years ago I thought it would be fun to start a blog. I remember having my doubts – would I have enough interesting subjects to write about? How would my grammar and spelling stand-up? Would anyone read it? Would I lose friends over it? Would I get bored with it? Still, I started writing and kept writing almost daily for about three years, then the inspiration for writing stopped so the posts where now and again. Last year, I didn’t write much at all and last October was my last one. I did get bored with it. People still find it but it seems most are for the boat sinking story – that particular post has over 100 comments and they still come in at least once a month. Sometimes I think I should close the comments on that post. I’ve dealt with it and it is time to move on.

Overall, I’ve had 39,240 views and have written 768 posts (including a few from friends covering my holiday in the early days) – not bad I’m guessing for a blog mostly telling the story of my normal life and my crazy mind. I’m celebrating five years by drinking a Manhattan on a Friday night. Happy Friday everyone! I may even write something sooner than waiting five months.

Cheers!

Last weekend

Last weekend we went to South Weald Country Park, which considering it is so close to where we live, we haven’t been there for years. What I love about the park more than anything is that you can see and feel the history behind the land, which used to be a private estate. Landscaped areas, ponds, tree lined avenues for riding horses, deer park, fields for grazing cattle. Shame the big hall for the owners of the estate was demolished in the 50s but lucky for us the land is now a wonderful public space. Unfortunately, we forgot the camera this week, when we went back but it was just as beautiful as the photo below but without the blue skies.

All Change

This week started out like any other normal week – work at home, volunteer at local forest centre, cook dinner, check Twitter, sleep etc etc. Then on Tuesday I got an email that threw me out of sync. It isn’t really that bad in the grand scheme of things – no one died.

When I left my old company, mainly due to my anxiety, I was kept on as a freelancer to help out with their daily news feed. Two and half years later I finally got that email that said my services were no longer required, immediately. I knew it would happen one day and to be honest there was many a time when I thought about giving this work up but it was a good source of income.

So, on Tuesday morning I sat there with my laptop looking at this email, not really knowing what to do next. I hate change. I got ready and went to my other little job feeling at a lost. The rest of the week has been a mix of feeling anxious and very tired from being anxious. I think it was the suddenness of it and that my morning routine is now different. I should really be embracing this change as I now have more time on my hands.

Honestly, my morning routine is a bit slow. I’m slow at getting going in the mornings. Slow at getting out of bed. Love my comfy bed. I would eventually get out of bed, go downstairs and have my breakfast. Then I would work on the news feeds in my dressing gown. Once finished I would shower and get dressed. On the days I didn’t have any other work then I would check the internet and then have lunch. The morning over and done with. My afternoons are often filled with other work, walking the dog, housework and cooking dinner.

Now is the time for me to change my routine. Change the habit. This change may help with the recovery of my anxiety (which I have to say now is 80% better than it was last year). As the saying goes “A change is as good as a rest”. I’m hoping this change will mean I will get out of bed earlier in the mornings, get dressed sooner and get loads more done before lunch. Maybe dog walks in the morning before I start my other jobs or some other type of exercise, though I’m actually better in the evening when it comes to exercise. Change is good but it is also bloody scary at times and takes a bit of time to get used to.

photo opportunity

A bit of fun photography. The camera was sitting on the table during breakfast and I just pressed down the button. Viola! A blurred photo of butter & a tea cup through my sunglasses. Random, I know, but I like random photos.

Party Planning

As I write this, it is a very wet and grey Sunday and I have a stinking cold. What is needed is a good dose of hot drinks, soup and lots of rest. Apart from getting a cold yesterday, it has been a pretty full-on week in many good ways except for the feeling of being a tad run-down. Work has been quite busy and next week will be even more crazy with so many people I work with on holiday. At my part-time job at the Upminster Sanctuary I will be the only one there in the office – yikes. So much to do as well. Anyway, all this work pays the bills and keeps me in nice clothes.

Last night we went to a friend’s 40th birthday party (80’s fancy dress) which was good fun. We went as the Where’s Wally couple, which was lucky as it was quite a fully dressed outfit compared to some and the 17th century barn where the party was held was a bit fresh last night. With my own big birthday impending in about 4 months I’ve been planning my own birthday bash. So far I have booked an area where I volunteer and I’m going for a Champagne Afternoon Tea theme. Small sandwiches, scones with clotted cream & jam, cakes and lots of Champagne and tea. And of course, bottles of beer.

Now that my husband’s own big birthday is now out of the way he is very keen to help me plan mine. He is the party organiser in this household. First up is the guest list, then speaking to the caterers about food and budget. After that I will have to think about hiring some tables and chairs with nice china and glassware to set the mood. Of course, I will have to either get some invites printed or make my own. That will depend on how much of my time Christmas shopping etc takes. Oh no, the dreaded C word! I had better get a notebook at the ready for all this planning, I do love a new notebook, so any reason to get a new one.

A Fresh Blogging Start

December 2011 was the last time I wrote on my online journal. I think I got bored with writing about myself and my ups and downs. Bored with expressing my dreams and fears to everyone out there – if they know me or not. Sometimes you just have to be private. Or just tell people how I’m doing with 140 characters on Twitter (lazy blogging, eh?).

For a while I’ve been thinking about writing again and even thought about starting a whole new blog. My lasting memories of this blog is all about my anxiety and I don’t want to write about all that again. A fresh blog seemed like a good idea. Then a friend said I should just change the theme and keep the current blog. After some thought I had to agree – this blog may still have some readers who are patiently waiting for something new and of course, in the early days I used to write much lighter, fun posts.

So, I’ve decided to change the theme, which needs a bit of tweaking and maybe I will pay so I can edit the CSS to make it more ‘me’. I’m going to write about all the good things happening – all the small victories over anxiety, the cooking, baking and crafting that I sometimes get to do, dog walks, the countryside, nature, learning and growing. I can’t promise I will write once or twice a week but I will do my best. Some days it might be just a photo. Or even just a quote. Or just a thought I had on that day. No plan or promises – just when I feel like sharing something.

Hello World… again!

 

Currently….

If I was a religious type I would saying something on the lines of “for I have sinned, it has been three months since I last blogged” but I’m not sure of the exact words and don’t believe in all that confession rubbish. Though there is no getting away from the fact that it has been months since I last wrote and even weeks since I last looked at the blog. I can’t think of any excuses but that life got in the way and I just couldn’t be arsed to write. So, hello to anyone who is still reading out there.

Currently, I’m working for three clients – the latest client is out of the home. In an actual office, well, a room in a house (not my house) and I’m working on my own unless my boss is around. I’m finding it hard being on my own with my crazy mind but gradually I’m getting used to it. Every time I go it seems to get easier.  The volunteering work is going well and I’m now on the committee. Had only one meeting with the committee so far and it is quite interesting. Though giving me more work to do at home… Since starting my third job the days seem to go really quickly and I’ve don’t have time for all the other things anymore. Or so it seems. Though I can still find time for anxiety! It is a very up and down affair at the moment but I know I’m gradually improving. Slowly but surely. I’ve just got to remember that I’m not going to get better overnight.

I think I will write once more before the end of the year – a kind of 2011 in review. All the highs and lows. Thanks for reading.

Work life

This week I started a new job, which sounds a bit weird to me as it is for only six hours a week. My new part-time job is at the holistic centre where I was going for help over my anxiety and I guess I will still need some ‘healing’ now and again but I’ll be able to have the appointment after work – handy. As someone said to my husband I have a new boss “who is understanding”. The good thing about the job is that I’ll be out the house for two days a week and my office looks over the most beautiful garden. It is early days but I feel it is going to be a good job, working with a lovely friend. The work isn’t anything fancy like healing people or doing aromatherapy massage but what I’m good at, admin work. So, I will be working to update the website, booking appointments, bits and pieces of typing and answering emails. As I’m only working three-hours per day then that gives me a chance to get home, walk the dog and catch up with any other work that has come in from my other clients.

So, in all work life is going well. I just need to keep up with everything including housework, food shopping and all the other things that I like to do. Sewing and baking. Getting organised is what I need but no lists. Foolishly I went back to writing lists after quite a well of not doing so but they just seem to make me panic and then I procrastinated even more on the work I had to do. From now on I won’t be writing anymore lists, just waiting down things that I need to remember. OK, I hear you saying “but that is a list”. It’s not a list in a normal sense because I won’t write down everything just the things that I know I might forget. Of course, if I forget then it isn’t that important or something will remind me. No more lists then! Happy Friday.