A trip in to town

Today I managed a journey in to London – to the office to be exact. I was brave enough to actually make it to the station and luckily for me the trains were delayed which meant the delayed train pulled in to the station just as I arrived. Not having to hang around the station worrying helped a lot and I got to the office okay. Albeit I felt really tired once I had sat down at my desk. It still amazes how tired anxiety makes me. After a good morning of sorting out the post and other office duties I then made the journey back home. It just makes it easier to travel in non-rush hour times.

Had great fun getting from the station to home though – a sudden snow storm happened. One of those that hurts your face with the wind blowing so hard. Got home damp and cold and then the blizzard just suddenly stop as soon as I got settled back to work. Walking in those type of conditions always makes me giggle to myself and I most probably looked at bit psychotic. Hell, who cares. Actually who cares is my motto of the moment.

Random thoughts

I nearly got to work today but just couldn’t make it and then felt silly. On top of that I then spent an hour in tears about it all. This is going to be a very slow process. I then spent the rest of the day with a headache and wondering… Or as I put to the work chatroom, feeling befuddled. Befuddled – such a great word. I’m befuddled with lots of things at the moment but work is definitely top of the list. Still, my husband actually listened to me today which is a step in the right direction. He also worked out that I would only need £6K to take a year off work so I could rest and explore new ideas. Where I’m going to find £6K from though – maybe I’ll win the Premium Bonds!

One other random thought of the day – over the past few evenings I have watched so many Christmas cooking programs. From Jamie Oliver, Delia Smith to Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall. What is amazing is that we aren’t even hosting any Christmas meals or parties. Maybe one day we will and maybe one day we will get back to having Christmas parties like in the old days before friends had kids. However, I have seen some tasty recipes so one day when I’m off work over Christmas I will give one or two a try. Yum!

Coin flip

I was going to write ‘tossing a coin’ as the title but when I wrote it down it just seemed rude (such my childish mind). Earlier today I thought maybe flipping a coin would help me decide on what to do with my life – heads I will stick it out at work or tails I get a new job. It came up tails which still didn’t really help me as I don’t think I have the mental energy to go for job interviews. There is also the slight problem of what job to do if I did go for a new job. I like my job for the most part but I’m not sure this is the career that I want for the rest of my life.

Thus, there lies the problem, I don’t know what my lifelong career is. I don’t have one thing that I’m really good at. I would like a job that I feel creative in – going back to my roots of art and design. So how to do this for a job? Become self-employed and try to motivate myself to do something creative everyday. I do wonder how people make a living from the arts but they must do. The fear of not making any money is what is putting me off from doing this. Or the fear of change. Another fear to add to my many others.

Got the tree!

Today we got the tree! A real Christmas tree this year. Last year it was twigs from the garden sprayed white with lights and a few baubles hanging from the twigs. After years of a faux tree that evidently turned in to green toilet brush, we have had more real trees (and twigs). I love buying tree decorations especially the non-traditional type decorations. No red or gold decorations for me. Pinks, turquoise, white and black. Of course a bit of silver too.

The tree

Can you see the red Father Christmas just hanging there? That was a little joke after I found it at a bottom of a bag full of decorations. I haven’t got a clue where it came from but I thought it would add a bit of crazy to the tree. Of course some would think that the blue bird decoration is a bit crazy too!

The bird

Photo Saturday

More jars for jams and chutneys

Worm food and lots of pickled onions

This seasons hat and gloves

New haircut

A long week

This week seems to have gone on forever and not necessarily in a good way. In theory it should had been a good week with tickets to see Eddie Izzard on Monday night. Unfortunately as the week went on it just seemed to get worse. That is a bit of an exaggeration as I’m sure there are people are out who have had worse weeks than me but every now and again we all have rubbish weeks even if the problems are minor.

Eddie Izzard was good – intellectual humour as I like to call his style but going out late on a Monday night and not feeling particularly great about travelling on the train on the way home didn’t really set up the week. Tuesday I had my doctors appointment which stressed me out on top of all my other stresses. From there on I haven’t been able to get to sleep properly and meant I had real trouble getting up in the mornings. It is always the mornings that make it tough to do anything. By the evening I’m feeling a lot better about life and stuff. So, with the lack of sleep, feeling anxious every morning (so much that I had a terrible time even getting to the station and worked at home instead), and today I’ve had a headache for most it, this has been a really long week. Roll on the weekend. Happy Friday!

Only slightly mad

I’ve slightly neglected my blog recently. I just didn’t have the energy to think of anything to write about. Basically this is because I had a doctors appointment booked for yesterday and with my current state of mind I was exhausted with everything. However, I’m glad that I had good friends and family who made me book the appointment and also, having my mum and sister-in-law come with me to the appointment. Feels a bit like I’m a bit of a wimp but when one of your phobias is the doctors I needed all the help I could get. Everything I have been feeling from panic in crowds and on the train to lack of energy, are all to do with my anxiety and possibly depression.

The doctor is going to refer me to have some counselling, obviously with the NHS this will take 4-6 weeks for the first appointment but it is a start in the right direction. I’m really glad that he didn’t even offer me any drugs, as I know I wouldn’t take them anyway. There are a few other things that I going to explore and will start doing as a matter of getting better. Firstly, start walking more and not to go anywhere. Just a walk around the block – clear my head type of walk. I’m going to write to my boss as well to see if I can work at home more – just to ease the anxiety that I feel while travelling and in the office. Then, after I received a really nice email from a colleague about natural remedies I’m going to find a homeopathy therapist to see if they can help. The rest will be speaking to friends and family when I’m feeling down and hoping I can get my husband to understand what I am going through.

Sunday

No photos or thoughts today. Not even yesterday was there any photos or thoughts. Deary me I haven’t written in a few days now either. So sorry about that my readers. Inspiration may come my way soon and I won’t be able to stop writing or taking photos are every given opportunity. Now it is getting late and I’m tired. Sleep I’m hoping will come my way tonight and set me up for a fairly decent week at work. I’m promising myself not to get too worried about everything this week and I’ve got Eddie Izzard to help with that on Monday night!

Havin’ a bit of cash helps

I was reading about Lily Allen’s career break this evening – at the grand old age of 24 she is taking a few years off from recording and performing to do other things. How nice that would be to have the opportunity to take a few years off ‘normal work’ to try out other jobs or hobbies. Of course having a bit of cash lying around the house helps. No mortgage must help too. Of course having a father who is wealthy as well helps. Most muggles would have to save up for at least a year to be able to take a few months off work.

What would I do if I magically could take a year or so off work. Well, for starters I would spend a few weeks doing nothing and chilling. Sorting my mind out basically. Then I would spend a good few months on a road trip across America in a RV. Of course having some extra cash to send all the goodies that I could buy back home. After that I would move to a house that had an outbuilding so I could practice my fabric designing skills, not that I would be any good but it would be fun to try. Moving to the Lake District would be good as well – ooh, a farm house with lots of outbuildings. From the new base I would then spend some time travelling around the UK visiting all those beautiful places that I’ve been too before however never spent long enough there. Of course, after all that it would be back to work although with a renewed feeling for the job (one would hope).

Chilly

It is cold outside! I don’t really have anything interesting to say tonight except about the weather. I am a typical British person who likes to talk about the weather at any given opportunity. After what seems like three months of mild autumn weather it has suddenly turned cold – very cold. It’s that northern cold wind that makes it cold. I’m just not prepared for it – toes and fingers going numb. It’s time to sort my winter wardrobe out and buy some winter shoes for work, preferably waterproof ones.

I’m okay for winter coats as I got my nice navy military style coat that I purchased last year but it seems that I might need some new jeans, skirts and long-sleeved tops for work. I might have to do some more online shopping but buying clothes online always seems risky to me. I need to try clothes on before buying. I think I will stick to the few shops that are near work – from cheap H&M, medium priced French Connection and high priced Ted Baker. Hmmm, shopping near Christmas – maybe I should wait until the sales in January. No I won’t do that as I hate the sales – shopping this side of Christmas it is.